"Finding yourself"

"She wanted one thing, she wanted to go back to the way things used to be, she wanted to be oblivious to the realities that surrounded her. She miss those yelling, jumping, prancing times with her girlfriends. They were so far from her, they called her "friend" but she knew that was not true. They didn't know who she was anymore... She looked into the mirror and saw a stranger, she had lost herself..."

I wrote that 5 years ago and it funny how i can come back to it and think "wow, I must have been in pretty low state", then i can read it again and be like "man, thats how i feel right now...".

I'm so extremely blessed to have an amazing life, one of which is filled with amazing family, good friends and knowing that I have a God that loves me no matter my faults. Sometimes I feel like i've lost myself, or "I don't know who i am anymore"... But then i'm reminded of "the bigger picture": WHO am I here for? WHO knows me better then anyone else? Why do I feel the need to "Find myself?" when the person who created me knows exactly WHO I AM, and EVERYTHING I am created to be.

One thing I love/hate about "finding yourself" is you finally get to be how you invisioned yourself, just to realize you have SO much more potential! Setteling is so much easier the striving but whats the point in that?
I'll end this little rant with this:

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our fear, our presence automatically liberates other."
-Nelson Mandela

OEW Fast sum up :)

The past week I was in Missouri at a Christian native youth camp called Warrior Leadership Summit (WLS), the past few summers I’ve been part of the mobile ministry team that runs right after camp called On Eagles Wings (OEW).

I walked into my room on Monday so unsure of what my roommates were going to be like but I’m sure God had that planned from the beginning and I’m so truly blessed that I was able to get to know these girls and be encouraged by them!

My roommates this week were a group of girls from Northern Ontario and to see God ignite their hearts was so overwhelming! I reminded me of what it felt like when I first gave my heart to God, how happy I felt and how I wanted to tell everyone how good it feels to actually follow Christ. It was so cute listening to them say things like “It feels so good to be saved”, “I just want to go run around, I can’t sleep I’m too happy!”, “Jesus is so awesome” or “Yeah! Let’s start our life circles!” (Life circles are basically talking about what we learned that day, and what Jesus is showing us. In all my years of being at WLS I’ve never been with a group so excited to do them!)

Anyways, July is usually my favourite month of the whole year but I decided not to go on the OEW tour this summer and I thought it was going to be an easy choice; being able to see everyone, and then coming home after a week. But it wasn’t... It was actually so hard leaving and knowing that I’m settling for an O.K summer instead of being a life changer in Native America.

This morning I was still contemplating staying behind (I don’t know how possible that actually was but the thought was there the WHOLE week). Even though my heard broke this morning, I’m excited to hear how God is using the team in Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota this summer!

Whats Next vs. What Now

"Instead of asking God 'What do you want me to do next', I should be asking Him 'What do you want me to do while i'm here right now'.

I get so caught up in "whats next" and "when?!" that I forget about right now. How do I make a lasting impact on peoples life at this very moment. I've grown accustom my life in missions that I forget that everyday is a new mission, the people I grew up knowing, the people I meet randomly; God loves them all and He's given me a story thats waiting to be told.

I know my heart is here for Native America, I know that one day I will be going to Alaska, and as much as I love On Eagles Wings team in the summer, I'll probably be here in Parry Sound/Muskoka. At first this was overwhelmingly scary to me, infact my heart broke a little! Being at home is never easy for me, I tend to feel alone and out of place, like I don't belong... It's on those moments that I begin to lose sight on "What God wants me to be doing right" and I start trying to figure out for myself "whats next".

Funny how I want to work with the First Nations here but I never feel "ready" or let the feelings of "being alone" take over and I actually close up, rather then allowing myself to be open to people I run into day-to-day.

Isn't satan sneaky? He takes good intentions and confuses what God has planned for my life and has me stop waiting on God and start planning for myself, so much so that I forget to ask God what I should be doing.

So God... This is me asking you... What now?